{"id":57800,"date":"2020-12-07T16:27:54","date_gmt":"2020-12-07T16:27:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.laclj.org\/?page_id=57800"},"modified":"2025-09-15T04:01:10","modified_gmt":"2025-09-15T04:01:10","slug":"between-two-parents-video-with-transcript","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/between-two-parents-video-with-transcript\/","title":{"rendered":"Video entre dos padres con transcripci\u00f3n"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"fusion-fullwidth fullwidth-box fusion-builder-row-1 fusion-flex-container nonhundred-percent-fullwidth non-hundred-percent-height-scrolling\" style=\"background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);background-position: center center;background-repeat: no-repeat;border-width: 0px 0px 0px 0px;border-color:#e2e2e2;border-style:solid;\" ><div class=\"fusion-builder-row fusion-row fusion-flex-align-items-flex-start\" style=\"max-width:1185.6px;margin-left: calc(-4% \/ 2 );margin-right: calc(-4% \/ 2 );\"><div class=\"fusion-layout-column fusion_builder_column fusion-builder-column-0 fusion_builder_column_1_1 1_1 fusion-flex-column\"><div class=\"fusion-column-wrapper fusion-flex-justify-content-flex-start fusion-content-layout-column\" style=\"background-position:left top;background-repeat:no-repeat;-webkit-background-size:cover;-moz-background-size:cover;-o-background-size:cover;background-size:cover;padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px;\"><div class=\"fusion-text fusion-text-1\"><div class=\"et_pb_row et_pb_row_0\">\n<div class=\"et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_0 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child\">\n<div class=\"et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_0 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light\">\n<div class=\"et_pb_text_inner\">\n<h1 style=\"text-align: center;\">Between Two Parents Video with Transcript<\/h1>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"et_pb_row et_pb_row_1\">\n<div class=\"et_pb_column et_pb_column_4_4 et_pb_column_1 et_pb_css_mix_blend_mode_passthrough et-last-child\">\n<div class=\"et_pb_module et_pb_text et_pb_text_1 et_pb_text_align_left et_pb_bg_layout_light\">\n<div class=\"et_pb_text_inner\">\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\">As a service to survivors and others involved in high-conflict custody cases,\u00a0<b>Survivor Justice Center presents the video BETWEEN TWO PARENTS, created by the Los Angeles Superior Court.<\/b>\u00a0BETWEEN TWO PARENTS offers many of the lessons provided by extended parenting education classes in an hour-long format.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div><div class=\"fusion-video fusion-youtube\" style=\"max-width:800px;max-height:450px;align-self:center; width:100%\"><div class=\"video-shortcode\"><iframe title=\"YouTube video player 1\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/tlZkYbLgrpc?wmode=transparent&autoplay=0\" width=\"800\" height=\"450\" allowfullscreen allow=\"autoplay; fullscreen\"><\/iframe><\/div><\/div><div class=\"fusion-separator fusion-full-width-sep\" style=\"align-self: center;margin-left: auto;margin-right: auto;margin-top:20px;margin-bottom:20px;width:100%;\"><\/div><div class=\"fusion-text fusion-text-2\"><h3 style=\"text-align: center;\">Between Two Parents was created by the Los Angeles Superior Court Family Court Services Department, with funds provided by the Los Angeles Shriver Custody Project.<\/h3>\n<\/div><div class=\"fusion-separator fusion-full-width-sep\" style=\"align-self: center;margin-left: auto;margin-right: auto;margin-top:20px;margin-bottom:20px;width:100%;\"><\/div><div class=\"fusion-text fusion-text-3\"><table>\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Audio<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Visual<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[piano music in the background, boy speaking] Right here is the part where my dad and Shay-Shay live. Oh, yeah. And Barney. Okay, and over here is where my mom lives. Oh, wait. I\u2019ve got to make it a little farther away. I want to make them be in the same castle, but they\u2019re not together anymore. So I\u2019m going to have to make one really, really big castle, so at nighttime I get go all the way over here to say goodnight to dad and then go all the way back over here to give my mom a hug. Oh, wait. Where can I put Nana and Poppy? And my play sister? Oh, yeah! I could put them over here.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A boy is showing us a picture of a castle that he drew. The boy shows us another area of the castle. The boy draws a bridge on his castle.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In your child\u2019s world, you and the other parent are the most important characters. How you play your world has a lasting effect on your child throughout life.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A woman standing in a waiting room area speaks to us directly.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Your child wants to grow up to be you someday. What will they learn from you? What will they remember about how you and their other parent treat one another? Are you teaching them how to share and to solve problems through give and take? Or are you teaching them by your example that life is a battleground? And that the only way to survive is to fight and win?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Different photos appear in succession: a mother and daughter shopping for children\u2019s clothes; a father and son fishing at a lake; a father giving his son a piggyback ride; a father and mother with their daughter in graduation clothes; a father and mother with their son holding a soccer ball; a mother teacher her daughter how to read; a mother an daughter at the beach; a mother and son playing soccer together; a mother and daughter playing with Legos; a father showing a son how to how a baseball bat.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This is contrasted with a succession of photos showing parents fighting with each other.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">While that might be important on the playing field. It does not make for happiness in family relationships, especially when that fighting is between parents.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Photos of different sports teams appear. There is a photo of men running on a racetrack. There is then a succession of photos of unhappy families.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For every win, there is a loss, which only propels the loser to reinvest in the battle, hoping for a better outcome next time.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A woman standing in a waiting room area speaks to us directly.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The hidden losers in families where parents are locked in this kind of conflict are the children. They can become depressed and hopeless as they see no way out of the perpetual chaos in their parents\u2019 war zone. A war zone they cannot escape.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Photos appear in succession: a sad girl\u2019s face; a girl covering her years as her parents argue in the background; a frowning boy sitting in a chair;\u00a0 a frowning girl sitting on the staircase; a frowning boy looking out of a window; an mother and father arguing with a girl sadly sitting at a table.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Parents, too, can feel helpless, as they see no way to stop the repeated conflict and tension they experience in the relationship.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a son lying on his father\u2019s lap.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My name is Ana and I\u2019m a parent who felt stuck in this type of conflict. Fortunately for my son, I was referred to a parent education group, which really helped me see how I could make changes to improve my situation, even if my son\u2019s other parent did not want to change.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The same woman as before, Ana, is speaking directly to us in a waiting room area.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I invite you to watch with me now as you see how two parents, Tamiko and Donovan, who are caught in this kind of struggle, learned some key tools, which helped them get beyond the animosity that had build a wall between them.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a split screen with an Asian woman, Tamiko, on the left side of the screen and a Black man, Donovan on the right side.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">By participating in a group of other parents experiencing conflict in their relationships, Tamiko and Donovan learned how to put their child\u2019s needs first and regain respect for one another. The outcome for Tamiko and Donovan is quite unique to their relationship, but I believe that you will find that change is possible, even if the other parent never changes. And the best news is that you child will learn by your example how to be a hero in solving problems and reducing conflict. Let\u2019s begin by joining the parenting group in meeting Tamiko and Donovan and the other participants.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a group of people sitting on chair in group discussion.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Woman] I really don\u2019t know why I even have to take this class. My ex is the one who\u2019s kept the children away from <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">me<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. He\u2019s the one who should have to take the class.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Seven people sit at a rectangular table. A woman with blond hair speaks to the woman sitting next to her.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] I don\u2019t understand why I\u2019m here either. But the judge said we both have to come.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Asian woman, earlier introduced as Tamiko, responds to the woman with blond hair.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Good afternoon. Welcome to \u201cBetween Two Parents.\u201d You\u2019re all here, because a family law judge had become concerned that you child may be affected by the ongoing conflict between you and your child\u2019s other parent. You may be thinking as you hear these words, \u201cBut it\u2019s not my fault. I wouldn\u2019t be here if it weren\u2019t for the unreasonable way the other parent is and always was.\u201d And if you feel this way, that you\u2019re somehow the victim of someone else\u2019s behavior, you\u2019re certainly not alone. Many parents who wind up in court over child custody feel this way. You, like these other parents, may have given up hope that there is a solution. You may feel hopeless, discouraged, and angry\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I\u2019m John, a parent educator with many years of experience working with families like yours. And I\u2019m here to reassure you that there are ways to improve your situation, even if the other parent does not change. Let\u2019s begin by turning to the first exercise in your workbook.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">A man, John, sits at the head of the table and speaks to the group of six participants.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] In this first exercise, the participants are asked to reflect on their own behaviors in the relationship. As you listen to these statements, take a minute to think about whether these statements describe your behavior before we return to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a sheet of paper labelled exercise 1: a look at my own behaviors.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI have difficulty controlling my anger at the other parent in front of our child.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of two parents arguing in the background, while two girls are sadly sitting at a table in front of them.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cThe other parent and I have had physical and verbal fights in front of our child.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a teenaged girl sitting with her hands on her head, while her parents argue in the background.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI have become so angry with the other parent that I threatened to limit the other parent\u2019s time with our child.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is photo of a Black man with his hand on his forehead, depressed and exasperated.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cWhen my child is with the other parent, I become very anxious about my child\u2019s safety and wellbeing.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a sad woman sitting on a couch.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cWhen my child is with the other parent, I often call or text to make sure my child is safe.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a frowning woman in bed staring at her phone.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI\u2019ve given up trying to speak directly to the other parent, because every time we speak, we end up arguing and nothing gets resolved.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a man and woman on opposite ends of a couch, ignoring each other.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI believe my child needs to understand the mistakes that the other parent has made and why we are not together as a family.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a woman trying to speak to her daughter, but her daughter has her back turned against the woman.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI think my child is old enough to under the court process, so I sat down with her and went over court documents.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of two documents on a table.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cThe other parent repeatedly takes me back to court.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a judge and two parents sitting in front of him.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cMy child has no real desire to spend time with the other parent.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a sad child looking up.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI sometimes have needed to explain to my child that he cannot go on an outing or have new clothes or toys because the other parent does not provide enough financial support.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a photo of a mother and son sitting next to each other. The son looks sad. The mother has her hand on her son\u2019s shoulder, comforting him.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So what did we learn? Were you able to identify with any of these statements?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John, sitting at the head of the table, addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] These questions, man. I\u2026I don\u2019t get the point! Doesn\u2019t everyone do some of these things sometimes? I don\u2019t see how taking here with a group of strangers is going to help me see my daughter.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan, a participant sitting at the table, replies to John and gestures angrily with his hands at a sheet of paper. Donovan\u2019s expression is angry.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I realize that this can be very frustrating in the beginning and you may have many conflicting feelings. Can you tell me which one of these responses you identify with?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John speaks to Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Well\u2026I have to admit it, I\u2019ve yelled. I mean, really yelled, at Tamiko in front of my daughter. [sigh] I can\u2019t help it. That\u2019s how we express ourselves in my family. It doesn\u2019t mean anything, but she always overacts. And\u2026[sigh] I guess that\u2019s why she filed the restraining order. But that\u2019s over now. But somehow it isn\u2019t, is it? Because we\u2019re here, and\u2026you know, we can\u2019t talk, and I haven\u2019t seen my daughter.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan responds to John and addresses the whole group. Donovan gestures angrily at Tamiko while speaking.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Is there a restraining order out at this time? We don\u2019t have participants in the same group when there\u2019s a restraining order out.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] The restraining was never grant, but ever since she filed I haven\u2019t seen my daughter.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan responds to John.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] May I say something here? I have a problem when he raises his voice at me. And I am not sure how we can ever work together in this class when he\u2019s showing this much anger. I don\u2019t feel comfortable that he can take care of Callie. After all, she\u2019s only three years old.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko asks John a question and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] Sorry, man\u2026.I, I know what you mean. I\u2019ve been really frustrated with my ex, too. But it sounds to me like you\u2019re really hurting \u2018cause you haven\u2019t seen your daughter.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto, a man sitting next to Donovan, turns his head towards Donovan and starts speaking to him.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Roberto has brought up a really important point that you\u2019ll hear over and over throughout this program. Sometimes our feelings of frustration and anger are covering other intense feelings of pain and sadness when we feel that we\u2019ve lost something very important like a connection with our children. We want to strike back, to keep from feeling this sadness. But we don\u2019t realize how threatening we may look to other parent. The other parent ducks for cover. Figuratively, I mean. And the end result is that communication shuts down. One thing that you\u2019ll learn here is how to recognize your feeling and take some time to consider how to communicate them. Stopping and thinking can help you get what you want. In the coming weeks, we can take an example like Donovan and Tamiko shared with us and see how Tamiko may feel if Donovan expresses himself differently. And it could be that Donovan can get a different result. Before we go any further, let\u2019s take some time for introductions. So, please, complete exercises one and two in your workbook.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group of participants at the table.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The group shuffles through some documents in front of them.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] As the group turns to the next exercise, I\u2019ll ask you to reflect on how long you were with your child\u2019s other parent and consider how you would relate the communication in your relationship today.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I would rate the communication between my child\u2019s other parent and I as: Hostile, Moderately angry, Avoidant, Cold, Civil, Friendly.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Words appear on a black screen: \u201cI would rate the communication between my child\u2019s other parent and me as: Hostile, Moderately angry, Avoidant, Cold, Civil, Friendly.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Now I would like for each of you to introduce yourselves by telling us your first name, your child\u2019s name and age, how long you were together, and how long you\u2019ve been separated. If you are willing, tell the group something about your experience with the last exercise.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group of participants, sitting at the table.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] Hi, I\u2019m Roberto. Patty and I, we\u2019ve been marr\u2026we were married for six years. Been separated for nearly three years and have had a great plan for Joaquin. But as things were starting good, it\u2019s now gone downhill fast. I would have to say right now, today, I see our relationship as avoidant. I\u2019m just trying to avoid conflict with Patty.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto introduces himself to the group. Patty is sitting next to Roberto and frowning.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] That\u2019s for sure, you never return my calls about Joaquin.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty responds to Roberto.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Could you please introduce yourself to the rest of the group? Sounds like you have some feelings about this.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses Patty and asks her to introduce herself.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] I\u2019m Patricia and I have to say that I\u2019m angry and his avoidance is just passive-aggressive behavior. So, I would call our relationship an angry one.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty introduces herself to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Thanks, Patricia. Or do you prefer Patty?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds to Patty.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] Actually, Patty.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So are you describing your relationship as an angry one even though there are not necessarily big knock-down, drag-out arguments? Is that right?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] That\u2019s right and nothing gets resolved.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I can understand how you feel angry and possibly worried when important decisions are delayed. But I\u2019m going to ask you while you\u2019re in this program, please refrain from labelling the other parent\u2019s behavior. Even though you may be absolutely certain of his motivation. We\u2019ll learn more about this later.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds to Patty and also addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] What do you mean?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty asks John a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Using the term \u201cpassive-aggressive\u201d is really another way of labelling the other parent. It\u2019s something that we all do from time to time. But let\u2019s avoid this here, because we\u2019re here to learn new ways of thinking our situations, which will lead to solutions. How old is Joaquin?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] He\u2019s nine.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty responds to John.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Lisa] I\u2019m Lisa. We were married for 12 years. We\u2019ve been separated for two. Our children are Michael&#8211;he\u2019s 11&#8211;and Cassie\u2014she\u2019s 8. I would have to say that our relationship is moderately angry.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lisa, a blond woman, introduces herself to the group. A man, David, sits next to Lisa wearing a black suit.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[David] Agreed. I\u2019m David. What she has done to my kids&#8211;<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">David nods and introduces himself to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So David, you and Lisa seem to see your relationship the same way. Is that correct? You also seem to be laying a lot the blame for the changes in the family on Lisa. While you\u2019re in this program, I\u2019m going to ask all of you to avoid dwelling on the past and the situations that brought you here. In all relationships, both parties have contributed to the problems which led to the breakdown in the relationship. And we are more empowered to create change if we focus on what we can do going forward, rather than assigning blame for what didn\u2019t work in the past. Let\u2019s hear from you, Tamiko.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks David a question. David nods. John then addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Well\u2026I think you all heard a bit about our relationship already. I think I would have to call our relationship hostile, because of the anger that I feel from Donovan. But I don\u2019t want it to be like this. We never actually lived together. Callie and I live with my parents. [sighs] I never in my life would expected that Callie would grow up without seeing her dad.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko explains her situation to the group. Her expression is sad.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] I can\u2019t believe you are saying this. I\u2026It\u2019s been impossible to know what you really think. Everything I hear from you is through your parents who would rather have me out of Callie\u2019s life completely. Up until you spoke, I would have labelled our relationship as hostile, but for the first time in weeks, I feel like that maybe there\u2019s some hope if I can deal directly with you.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan, sitting across from Tamiko, speaks to her.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Thank you, Tamiko and Donovan. You just gave the group an excellent example of how change can begin if both parties are open to communicating directly with each other about their child.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] As the first group meeting ends, the parents have homework assignments. As you are watching this video, I invite you to think about two of these assignments and the impact these would have on you, if you were asked to do these things. The parents are asked to find a favorite picture of their child and bring it to the second session. They\u2019re also asked to sign a commitment to change their own behavior towards the other parent during the course of the program. By signing it, they agree to communicate directly with one another and not use their child as a messenger. They also agree to protect their child from exposure to their disagreements or to negative discussions about the other parent. I think you will see as we rejoin the group some interesting changes are beginning to take place. As the parents turn their focus on their child and onto actions they can take to improve the situation.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Parents hold photos of their children.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] Aw, no. That\u2019s yours?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko giggles] [women cooing] [men chatting in background]<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty and Tamiko sit next to each other talking and laughing. Patty gestures at the photo in Tamiko\u2019s hands.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Hello, everyone. How are we all doing? I wonder if there\u2019s anyone in the group that would like to share their experience about the homework, or any other reactions to the group so far.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John, sitting at the head of the table, addresses the group of six participants.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] It\u2019s interesting. Me and Patty haven\u2019t really talked in a such a long time, let alone be sitting together at the same table. I think\u2026writing the commitment to change has helped me a lot \u2018cause I can agree to these things for six weeks. And maybe\u2026just maybe, for\u2026it, it could last longer. I guess what I\u2019m trying to say is that I\u2019m somewhat hopeful.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto speaks to the entire group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Thank you, Roberto, for getting us started. Now, just when you thought you were challenged enough, I\u2019m going to add another challenge for you. I\u2019m going to ask that while you\u2019re here in this program, you sit directly across from your co-parent. So, Roberto, can you change places with Donovan? And Donovan please more to the middle, so you are directly across from Tamiko. And Lisa, you\u2019re fine. Donovan?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group. He points to Roberto and Donovan, asking them to change seats. Donovan raises his hand, and John calls on him.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] I was all hopeful last time. Me and Tamiko even started to talk as we left. But since then, she hasn\u2019t taken any of my phone calls and she hasn\u2019t answered any of my tests since then.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan talks to John.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Well, Donovan. It\u2019s not an easy task. This\u2026learning to communicate. It\u2019s going to take some time. What were your reactions to the homework?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] At this point, I don\u2019t have much of a choice if I want to see Callie. I had to sign that commitment to change.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan responds.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Lisa] I feel a lot like Donovan. Whether or not I agree with everything I\u2019m hearing, I don\u2019t really have a choice! I don\u2019t know any other way to get more time with my kids.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lisa addresses the entire group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So what I\u2019m hearing is at least some of you have come to this program in despair, because you tried all the other usual problem-solving methods and they\u2019re not getting you where you want to go. Is that right?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] Well\u2026for me, I agree to the conditions of the commitment to change, but honestly, I don\u2019t see what good it\u2019s going to do. Lisa hasn\u2019t been there for the kids and she just doesn\u2019t see it.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Robert responds, and Lisa frowns.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Um\u2026our situation is a little different. Donovan\u2019s behavior is the problem. Even after last time, he kept texting me and demanding that we meet to talk. We have an order restricting his contact, so if he can agree to abide by that, I\u2019ll be much more likely to talk to him about Callie.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko talks to John.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] In our case, we just don\u2019t agree about what\u2019s happening with Joaquin and how to resolve it. And I still don\u2019t see how this group can help, but I don\u2019t know any other alternatives.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] You\u2019re not alone in feeling discouraged. The reality is, though, that your child has two parents and both of you will be in his or her life forever. That will not change. The choice about who the other parent is has already been made and that person is sitting across from you at this table. The remaining choice is how you and your co-parent will behave towards one another. That choice is an individual one. One that only you can make. Remember, you are already a role model for your child. What kind of role model you are is your choice. Stop and think about it for a minute. This is probably the most singular, powerful message in this program: How you behave as a parent towards the other parent is your choice. I see some doubt around the table, right? Some of you may still be feeling that the problems in your relationships are the other parent\u2019s fault. And if that parent were simply out of the picture, life would simply be so much easier. You would have less stress, less conflict. You wouldn\u2019t have to work out all these details with the other parent. It would remove any chance of the other parent having a damaging influence on your child. And you\u2019d have complete control, right? But stop and think. While that might seem great for you, what would it be like for your child if he or she had only one parent? Let\u2019s look at what your child would lose if there were only one parent. Your child would be left with a longing to know what type of person the other parent was and the question: \u201cAm I anything like my other parent?\u201d I\u2019m wondering if any of you have been affected by divorce or separation and have struggled with any of these issues.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group. The entire group wears unhappy expressions.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] I never knew my dad. That\u2019s what breaks me up about not seeing Callie. Yeah, a few pictures when he and my mom were together, but I don\u2019t remember him. And I knew very little about him. I just stopped asking my mom \u2018cause she had that look on her face like: \u201cDon\u2019t go there.\u201d It\u2019s a hole in my life. A big unknown.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan gestures to himself and talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[David] My dad is such an important part of my life and my kids\u2019 life. I can\u2019t imagine how that would be.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">David responds to Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Lisa] I sometimes felt left out in our own family as David\u2019s parents were so involved. My own parents divorced around the time Michael was born. It was a really bad divorce. They refused to be in the same room as each other. I would dread the holidays, because of the animosity between them, and as a result my kids don\u2019t even know my side of the family.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lisa talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So, Lisa. It sounds like even as an adult, you\u2019ve experience the stress and sense of loss that our children feel when they\u2019re caught in a crossfire between two angry parents.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan responds to Lisa.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Lisa] I guess so.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lisa responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] And Donovan, you have described what so many of us parents feel. That deep desire to give our children what we never had. Thank you for sharing these experiences. Although these memories may be painful, they are a valuable window into how our children feel. Now, let\u2019s meet these children that we\u2019ve been talking about. Patricia, start us off by telling us the name and age of your child and why you chose that picture.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses Donovan and the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] This is Joaquin. He\u2019s nine here. Um\u2026it was taken after he won second prize at the school science fair. He was doing really well in school then. I was really proud of him.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patricia smiles and holds up a picture of her son, Joaquin.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] This is Callie. Um\u2026Not like really a current picture, but, um\u2026I guess I chose it because I was wither when she first started walking. She\u2019ll be four next month.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan shows the group a picture of his daughter.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[David] My kids. Michael\u2019s eleven and Cassie\u2019s eight. There\u2019s Cassie with my father.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">David hold up two pictures to show them to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Lisa] Do you have to do that? I mean, talk about them like they\u2019re yours only. Sorry, it bothers me.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lisa frowns and addresses David.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Lisa, before you show us your photos, can you tell the group what you were reacting to in what David said?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks Lisa a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Lisa] I know David does a lot with the kids. He always has. But when he says things like: \u201cmy kids\u201d and \u201cour family trip\u201d it\u2019s as if they\u2019re a family, and I\u2019m an outsider. And it really makes me angry. And, yeah, I guess\u2026hurt.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lisa explains herself to the group. Her expression is angry.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I see. That\u2019s a good example for all. While you\u2019re in the group, let\u2019s get a new habit started of referring to your children as our children rather than my children. This simple change can go a long way in reinforcing the idea that even though you parents are no longer together, your central relationship as parents will always exist. Now Lisa, let\u2019s take a look at your pictures.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] As the facilitator suggested, just by changing one word, from \u201cmy\u201d to \u201cour\u201d children, you acknowledge that your relationship as parents will always exist. Take a few minutes to think about the alternatives. Think about how your child might feel knowing that his parents don\u2019t get along or even worse. That his parents have no contact with one another because of the deep distrust they harbor towards one another. Even very young children can feel the tension between adults and are listening to adult conversations that you might have about the other parent, even when you think that they do not hear you. Children caught in the middle of adult conflict sometimes feel forced to choose between parents as if one parent is the good guy, and the other parent is the bad guy.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] We call these \u201cloyalty binds.\u201d The parents in the group are asked to consider how they may have created a situation where their children feel caught in the middle. To uncover how they may have contributed to creating loyalty binds for their children, they were asked to write a statement about how they told their child about why the parents aren\u2019t together. Let\u2019s hear how they dealt with this question.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The screen turns black and the words \u201cLoyalty Binds\u201d appears.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Tamiko, would you be willing to share your response?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses Tamiko and asks her a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] I really haven\u2019t talked to Callie at all about her dad, and she only asks about him once in a while. My parents are pretty strict, and they\u2019re concerned about Donovan coming at all now. If Callie starts to say anything about her dad when my parents are around, I just change the subject.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So, if I got it right, in the interest of keeping the peace with your parents you avoid mentioning Donovan at all. Does that mean that\u2026there aren\u2019t any pictures of him around the house?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] That\u2019s right.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko nods and responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] As I recall, Donovan had pretty regular contact until the last six months, is that right?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks her another question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] That\u2019s right.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko nods and responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] How do you think Callie is affected by this change? And do you think she has been put in the middle in some way?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks Tamiko a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Well\u2026I\u2019m beginning to see that she has been affect and even though she is so little, she has definitely heard some of the arguments with my parents and my parents\u2019 statements about Donovan. She seemed to like it when Donovan came over. She\u2019d pull on his hand until he sat down in this one old chair to read \u201cGoodnight Moon.\u201d Always the same book, over and over again.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] And now it\u2019s now even safe to mention his name.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] I see what you mean.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] All children, especially very young children, need their parents to make a bridge upon which they can walk from one parent to the other. One of the ways to create such a bridge is to have a custody and visitation plan, so that the child has a predictable plan of contact with both parents. At the end of today\u2019s session, we will have a homework assignment where you will be asked to define the key parenting issue between you and the other parent. I\u2019m going to suggest to Tamiko and Donovan that you focus on how to build a bridge for Callie with a very specific visitation schedule. Now let\u2019s review. We\u2019ve heard from children about how they feel when they\u2019re in the middle of some things and how we adults put them in the middle. Thanks to Tamiko\u2019s willingness to share, we\u2019ve also learned how a loyalty bind can be created even when we\u2019re not aware of it. Let\u2019s review by taking a look of some other ways loyalty binds are created.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Parents create loyalty binds and put children in the middle when:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One parent criticizes the other parent or makes his or her negative views known to the child<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One parent tries to form an alliance with the child against the other parent<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One parent presents himself or herself as \u201cthe victim\u201d or the loser in the separation in an effort to win sympathy from the child, and bind the child closer<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One parent uses the child to meet his or her emotional needs<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The screen is black and words appear:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">LOYALTY BINDS<\/span><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One parent criticizes the other parent<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One parent tries to form an alliance with the child<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One parent presents as \u201cthe victim\u201d<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">One parent uses the child to meet emotional needs<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] Children are placed in loyalty binds when their two parents are unable to communicate. Let\u2019s rejoin the group as they explore how the parents we have met face this issue.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Welcome everyone to session 3. In our last session, we focused on how difficult it is for our children when we put them in the middle of our conflicts and we began to look at how each of us has done so often without realizing that we are harming our kids. Now\u2026we begin the process at look at how each of us can build a different kind of relationship with the other parent that person sitting across the table from you. We want to build that bridge, which allows your child to move back and forth between you safely, and easily.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group sitting at the table.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] A different kind of relationship. What does John mean by that? Professionals who work with parents who live separately and are frequently in conflict suggest that parents can succeed in communicating if they develop what experts call \u201ca co-parenting relationship.\u201d One where parents let go or disengage from the past adult issues and focus only one the job of raising their child. Let\u2019s rejoin the group as John describes in more details the qualities of a co-parenting relationship.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Are there any comments or questions about these ideas so far?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks the entire group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] [sighs] Well I guess I\u2019m not understanding how we\u2019re supposed to do that. I mean, let go, and move on\u2026and still be parents. You know\u2026like, in my case, I don\u2019t have any contact with Tamiko or my daughter. I already feel pretty disengaged. What I want is more contact.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Perfect question, Donovan. What I\u2019m suggesting is that you need to let go of your former relationship with Tamiko as your girlfriend in order to create a different type of relationship, which is more businesslike than intimate. A relationship which is built solely on your roles as Callie\u2019s two parents.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds to Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Excuse me. But I think I\u2019m missing something. I don\u2019t see it\u2019s possible for me to just turn off my feelings.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan, frowning, responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] I know what Donovan means. When I\u2019m with Joaquin, I\u2019m worried about how he\u2019s struggling in school. I can\u2019t just stop those feelings.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty jumps into the conversation.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I\u2019m not saying that your feelings are not important. They are. But deciding what to do about your feelings is not a joint project for you and the other parent. Sharing with a neutral adult friend or a counsellor is the best to sort out your feelings and get some emotional support. For you, Patricia and Roberto, having some input from a neutral professional who\u2019s experienced in working with children might be really helpful.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds to Patty and the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] We\u2019ve been talking about feelings like anger, sadness, and worry. Feelings that come up for everyone going through the issues, which you and your co-parents face. Let\u2019s stop and visualize for a moment the other types of feelings a successful business relationship promotes.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The screen is black and words appear:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">ANGER<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">SADNESS<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">WORRY<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Like satisfaction, and trust.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">More words appear:\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">SATISFACTION<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">TRUST<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] If you think of any business where you have a positive, ongoing relationship from your local dry-cleaner or convenience store to your car insurance or real estate broker, you would probably see similar qualities which keep you coming back as a satisfied customer. Trusting that the business will continue to provide service at a consistent level.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a succession of photos: a woman checks out at a grocery store, a man looks at a menu, someone shops at a hardware store, a man retrieves a suit at a dry cleaner store, a real estate broker shakes hands with a happy couple, a man shops for tools at a store, an employee at a tire shops is holding a tire, an employee at a clothes store is smiling.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Ultimately, businesslike communication with your co-parent can provide similar rewards. The more you and the other parent are able to solve parenting issues using this approach, the more you will develop a sense of trust and satisfaction. Both of you have to work at ensuring that the other parent feels heard and respected in the process even when you disagree. You\u2019ve listening for a while now. Let\u2019s give you a chance to practice identifying what might and what might not be co-parenting issues. Take a few minutes in the next exercise. We\u2019ll go around the table and I\u2019ll ask each one of you to read one question and one response. David, would you begin, please?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a succession of photos of happy families.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group sitting at the table. John nods towards David.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[David] Number One: Your co-parent got a new job. Well, I answered that it\u2019s very important for me to know. Lisa\u2019s work takes her away for weeks on end sometimes and so I need to know in case it affects one of her visits.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">David reads from a paper in front of him. He addresses John and the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John]\u00a0 So it\u2019s important to know, because it might affect the parenting schedule.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] I answered differently. I don\u2019t really think it\u2019s Donovan\u2019s business where I\u2019m working.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko jumps in and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Can you explain your thinking a little bit?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] For a while, Donovan was texting me daily when he thought I might be at school or working. I finally had to change my number because it was upsetting and distracting. Telling him where I\u2019m working would feel like I was leaving myself open to that kind of harassment.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko explains to the group. She looks upset.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] But that hasn\u2019t happened recently, right?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan, sitting across from Tamiko, speaks to her.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] That\u2019s true, and since I changed my number.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So you might feel differently about Donovan having information about your work or your school if he was not using that information to contact you unnecessarily, is that correct?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds to Tamiko and points to Tamiko.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Yes.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko nods and replies.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Tamiko, well, can you get to the next question?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks Tamiko another question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Two: Your co-parent is dating. I answered it\u2019s not my business, because I feel like it\u2019s not Donovan\u2019s business either if I were to be dating.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko reads from a paper in front of her and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] What? Are you saying you could be dating someone who might be around my daughter, who I barely see? And you would feel like I don\u2019t need to know about that?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan speaks to Tamiko.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[David] Oh, I really had some issues with this when Lisa started seeing someone. I mean, I had no idea who that guy was.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">David jumps in and talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] I have an issue with this too. As you all know, Patty is now living with Paul. And I don\u2019t really know much about him. We\u2019ve never been introduced except for the part where he answers the door to the apartment where I used to live. And that\u2019s bad enough. I don\u2019t even know what Joaquin feels about him.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So I\u2019m hearing that there may be some reason to tell your co-parent when you\u2019re in a new relationship, because the other parent needs some reassurance about the role the new person has in your child\u2019s life. And I\u2019m also going to suggest that when you\u2019re introducing your new significant other into your child\u2019s life that you let your co-parent know. First, so that you keep your child out of the middle. How about our next question, Patty?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group. He looks at Patty.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] Uh, number three: During his or her parenting time, your co-parent relies on someone else to care for you child. I put that it might be my business. I mean, with us, it\u2019s usually Roberto\u2019s parents that babysit and Joaquin adores them. I mean, I guess if it were someone else, I\u2019d want to know.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty reads from a paper in front of her and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So\u2026everyone agrees? [Silent] Number four, Roberto.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks a question to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] You\u2019re not sure how your co-parent is spending the child support money. I guess this would be my business if I felt my son was neglected somehow. But, um, that\u2019s never been a problem with us.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto reads from a paper in front of him and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Five: you wonder how late your co-parent stays out in the evening. \u201cImportant for me to know\u201d is what I answered. I mean, I don\u2019t know what happens over there.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan reads from a paper in front of him and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So I wonder if you knew more about Callie\u2019s general care and saw Callie more often you might need less information about Tamiko\u2019s personal life.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] [sighs] I guess I hadn\u2019t thought about it like\u2026that. [sighs] But\u2026yes.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan looks up and responds to John.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Okay, so let\u2019s get to number eight. Lisa?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses Lisa.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Lisa] Um\u2026your co-parent has changed pediatricians. To me, that\u2019s definitely a co-parenting issue. We both need to be up to speed on medical care and decision-making.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lisa reads from a paper in front of her and talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Okay. So, in the interest of time, why don\u2019t we skip to number twelve.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John talks to the group and points to Patty.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] Number Twelve: your co-parent has signed your child up for an extracurricular activity without consulting you. Well, I would have a problem with that. It is important for me to know. That was never one of our issues. We would always discuss and agree on activities for Joaquin. But now it seems like it\u2019s the other way around completely. I think Joaquin has way too many activities. Roberto doesn\u2019t agree with me, so I don\u2019t know how we\u2019re ever going to work this out.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty reads from a paper in front of her and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I understand, Patty, that you and Roberto haven\u2019t worked on this together yet. And, definitely, it is a co-parenting issue. The exercises in the second half of this program will give you the tools to work together on this issue and many others.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds to Patty.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] In completing the homework for the next session, the participants learn about one of the most powerful communication tools in the program. Commonly called the I-message or polite request. Put simply, this tool helps the speaker take responsibility for his or her own feels and request a specific action to address the issue of concern. Take a look at the form the parents are asks to complete. By completing the form as an exercise, the parents are required to identify one specific parent concern, how their child may be affected, their feelings about the situation, and they change they would like.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">There is a paper titled, \u201cPolite Request or I Message Worksheet.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] Lastly, the parent has to identify an action that he or she can take to improve the situation. Let\u2019s return to the group as they meet the following week.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko and Donovan speaking to one another]<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan and Tamiko are talking from across the table. Both are smiling.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Welcome back everyone. Well, Tamiko and Donovan. I see that you two are communicating. Since that\u2019s our topic today, would you mind if I ask the two of you to share with the group what\u2019s going on?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Not at all, um\u2026is that okay with you?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Fine with me. Um\u2026we actually started working on the homework exercises\u2026um&#8230;and somehow we were able to talk. But the coolest part of all is that I was able to spend two hours with Callie last Saturday.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Interesting, and how did that happen?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks Donovan a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Um\u2026Well, I started on the first exercise, the polite request and I decided to e-mail it to Tamiko. And I couldn\u2019t believe it! She responded. Uh\u2026we met at the park. I have some great pictures on my phone maybe I could show you guys later. It was\u2026like\u2026so amazing. Callie ran towards me, gave me a big hug. It was almost like no time had passed at all.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan, looking at Tamiko and smiling, talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] And Tamiko?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John looks towards Tamiko.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Um\u2026everything Donovan is saying is true. I read his email, and since I knew about the exercise, I didn\u2019t just delete it, because it sounded different. Before I came to this class, I didn\u2019t understand how hard it was for Callie not to see her class. But the way Donovan presented his request in email gave me an opening to say \u201cyes\u201d to something that I knew would be a good for Callie.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I\u2019m glad to hear this exercise worked for the two of you. Donovan, would you please read us your polite request?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John smiles and addresses Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Well, here it goes. Not seeing Callie is hard for her, because I am her father, and I have been a part of her life until the last few months. Um\u2026when your parents refuse to allow me to even speak to her on the phone, I feel sad and worried, because I don\u2019t how she\u2019s doing without me. What I would like is to have a visit with her, and I would be willing to meet at the park near your house at a time convenient for you. Is this acceptable for you?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan reads from a paper in front of him.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] I think what made this easy to respond to was that the request was very specific. The park is a place we both know, it is very convenient, Callie likes going there, and Donovan left it open for me to choose a time. Since I\u2019m in school all week, and he\u2019s working, the weekend was really the only possibility. I felt better having a specific time frame to visit. So, when I emailed him back, I just said, \u201cWould this Saturday 2-4pm work?\u201d It helped that I didn\u2019t have to involve my parents.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So the fact that Donovan\u2019s request was specific helped?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks Tamiko a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] And\u2026he didn\u2019t talk about us, and he didn\u2019t say anything really negative about my parents.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] It\u2019s been hard for me not knowing that her parents don\u2019t really like me. Um\u2026and\u2026I don\u2019t know what they say about me in front of Callie so\u2026.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Most parents going through a separation struggle with some versions of this issue. Tamiko and Donovan, whether its grandparents, extended family members, in-laws, or new partners, some of our family members may have some strong opinions about our situations. In part, because they care about us. But possibly, because we have used them as sounding boards to vent our frustration about the other parent, and they have come to align with our views so that they may feel protective of us and blame the other parent for the problems.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] If you find yourselves in this situation, it is important to remember that the most important people for your child are you two parents. I suggest, Tamiko, that if it\u2019s true that your parents have negative views about Donovan, that you help them understand how important Donovan is for Callie. For all of you, it is critical that you make sure that your children are protected from overhearing negative talk about the other parent or the separation itself. I also heard two important elements in Tamiko\u2019s statements about why she felt Donovan\u2019s I-message was effective. As I recall, Tamiko said something to the effect that since she\u2019s been coming to this class she is now aware of the impact on Callie of not seeing her dad. In other words, she wasn\u2019t thinking about herself or her own feelings, but was focused on Callie. And that awareness helped her to be more open to Donovan\u2019s request had a different tone. We\u2019re going to talk more about tone, and how it is one of the most critical parts of communications, which can help your message get through or block it entirely. Now let\u2019s hear from Tamiko. Do you have a polite request that you\u2019d like to share?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group and gestures towards Tamiko. John gestures towards the entire group with a pen.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Well\u2026I\u2019m hesitating here, because everything went so well with the visit last weekend, and maybe this issue won\u2019t really be a problem anymore.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I\u2019d like you to go ahead, Tamiko. We all learn from one another.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Okay. The problem is that Donovan texts me 10-20 times each day. It affects me and Callie, because I become irritated and upset and I am sure that Callie senses my anger. Donovan, when you text me over and over again, I become upset because I believe that you\u2019re harassing me, and not really interested in Callie. If it is true that you really want to know about Callie, then what I would like is for us to come up with another way of communicating. I\u2019d be willing to send you an email every other day, but I would like to reserve texting for emergencies.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko reads from a paper in front of her.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Group? Reactions? Does it sound neutral? Is it specific?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] It seems pretty specific and pretty neutral, except I\u2026I don\u2019t know if Tamiko\u2019s solution is helping Donovan as a dad, I mean. It\u2019s not really addressing the bigger issue of how he\u2019s lost so much time with Callie. And an email? Every other day from Tamiko? I mean, how\u2019s that going to make him feel closer to Callie.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So Roberto, it sounds like you\u2019re having some issues with the request itself. Anyone else have feedback for Tamiko. Remember, everyone, this is Tamiko\u2019s first attempt and we are all going to have a turn with this. Let\u2019s try another way of looking at Tamiko\u2019s I-statement. Pretend you\u2019re the other parent, and your co-parent said this to you. Let\u2019s look at it again.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Lisa] If I were Donovan, I would feel frustrated with the proposal itself. I wouldn\u2019t want to have to go through the other parent to get information on my child. It\u2026It seems like it makes the other parent the gatekeeper. Uh, although our kids are older than Callie, the situation between David and I are similar in that I have to go through him to get any information on the kids. And I end up feeling frustrated and left you. So\u2026with that history, a proposal like this wouldn\u2019t get very far with me.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Lisa raises her hand and talks to the group. Lisa turns towards Tamiko and addresses her momentarily, and then turns back towards the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So we could say that the proposal maybe doesn\u2019t take into account the other parent\u2019s point of view.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John talks to the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] I am beginning to understand how Donovan has felt, but his approach has felt to me like harassment. I think we\u2019ve come a long way in the las weeks. That\u2019s why I didn\u2019t want to share my request, because we have already made so much progress.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko talks to the group, looking at Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Thanks, Tamiko. We\u2019re all benefiting from your willingness to share your \u201cI-statement.\u201d No one has commented on the statement: \u201cDonovan, when you text me over and over again, I believe that you\u2019re doing this harass me and you\u2019re not really interesting in Callie.\u201d Since no one else brought it up, let\u2019s ask Donovan if he\u2019s reacted to any part of the statement.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John thanks Tamiko and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Well\u2026yes. I got from it that Tamiko thinks that one, I\u2019m harassing her, and two that I\u2019m not that interested in Callie.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan nods and responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] And when you head those words, what did you think? What did you feel?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John directs a question towards Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] What did I think? I thought\u2026I thought, \u201cHow dare she say that?\u201d She doesn\u2019t have any idea what it\u2019s like for me not being um\u2026.around Callie, being away from Callie. [sigh] How did I feel? Angry, angry\u2026I felt angry and disappointed. I mean, I get now how this happened. Like, I get how it got to this point. I, I get it. You know, the texting pushing her away. Um, and it didn\u2019t get me any closer to Tamiko or Callie. I mean, I get it. I mean, I really get it. I think we\u2019ve moved on from that now though.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I\u2019m going to give you some homework for next time, because the dialogue between you two doesn\u2019t end here. This is only the beginning. As others in the group mentioned, Tamiko\u2019s proposal does not address the bigger issue what you as the other parent desires, which is more time with Callie, right? First, if it\u2019s okay with Tamiko, let\u2019s edit her proposal to eliminate any wording, which would be inflammatory. So let\u2019s remove the words, \u201cI believe you are harassing me and not really interested in Callie.\u201d That language didn\u2019t make Donovan receptive to Tamiko\u2019s request, did it?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the entire group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So Donovan, I would like you to write a response to Tamiko\u2019s newly re-edited proposal, and make your own proposal for a plan to see Callie regularly. Her new proposal is now on the table just like your proposal was on the table when you two successfully arranged more time with Callie. You have three choices. One: you could agree. Two: you can disagree and make alternate proposals. Or three: ask for more time to think about it. If you choose option three, you must let the other parent know exactly when and what time you\u2019ll be ready to respond. Okay? Roberto.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John talks to Donovan and gestures towards him.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] I have a question. Um, from what I\u2019m hearing is that Donovan and Tamiko have found their through this conflict. And they\u2019ve all\u2014and Donovan realized that through repeated texting he\u2019s not going to be getting what he wanted. Now, my question is about the situation with me and Joaquin. Um, and I\u2019m kind of, have, uh, I\u2019m kind of identifying with Tamiko here. When I\u2019m with Joaquin which is half the week, Patty is continuously calling and texting me and Joaquin. And I relate to Tamiko\u2019s frustration here, I just don\u2019t know how to address the problem.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto raises his hand and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Is your concern an issue you would consider putting into an \u201cI-statement\u201d?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John looks at Roberto and asks a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] I guess, maybe next week.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Or maybe later in this session. Before we go any further today with homework and don\u2019t worry, all of you will get a chance to share your examples, I would like to define the term \u201cI-statement\u201d before we go on. This is an important concept, which can help you communicate with co-parents, your children, even co-workers, or your boss. The I-message is a statement where the speaker identifies and takes responsibility for his or her own thoughts and feelings, while describing a concern or making a statement about a topic.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John responds and then addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] The purpose of the I-message is to clearly and simply state a concern. To identify your feelings and thoughts related to the issue. To state the concern in a neutral, non-blaming way. To establish a basis for a polite request for change. Using these principles in communicating with your co-parent will help you clarify your own thoughts and feelings and increase the likelihood that your co-parent will listen. The statements we have just reviewed included the first wo parts of the I-message, but did not request the polite request portion. The polite request is part of the message which describes what you would like to do to address the concern. Let\u2019s go back for a minute to the example of Donovan\u2019s I-message.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The screen turns black and words appear:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Purpose of I-Message<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To clearly and simply state a concern<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To identify your feelings and thoughts<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To state the concern in a neutral way<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To establish a basis for a polite request for change<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cPolite request\u201d is highlighted in yellow.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John, reading] \u201cNot seeing Callie is hard for her because I am her father and had been a regular part of her life until the last couple of months. When your parents refuse to allow me to even speak with her on the phone, I feel sad and worried because I don\u2019t know how Callie is doing without me.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What I would like is to have a visit with her. And I would be willing to meet you at the park near your house at a time convenient for you.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">New words appear:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cNot seeing Callie is hard for her because I am her father and had been a regular part of her life until the last couple of months. When your parents refuse to allow me to even speak with her on the phone, I feel sad and worried because I don\u2019t know how Callie is doing without me.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What I would like is to have a visit with her. And I would be willing to meet you at the park near your house at a time convenient for you.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Notice the highlighted section. In this statement, Donovan is making a polite request for a change and offering to help make the change possible by actions he will take. To make it convenient for Tamiko.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The second paragraph is highlighted in yellow.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] If you were part of a group like this one, you would be encouraged to use every opportunity to practice creating I-messages about the parenting issues important to you. Before we return to follow Tamiko and Donovan\u2019s progress in the next session, I would like you to reflect on the importance of the listener\u2019s role in communication. One of the most important ways that we convey respect to a speaker is by giving him or her our full attention, which means making good eye contact and avoiding distractions. Reflecting back our understanding of what has been said is also key. This practice is especially important in relationships where you have strong feelings and are apt to misunderstand what was said. Before we move on to see how Tamiko and Donovan fared with the homework, let\u2019s review the key points communicating both as a speaker and listener.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko and Donovan are sitting down at the table.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] When you are the speaker, your task is to identify the problem or concern. Recognize and be able to describe your own feelings about the problem. And formulate a polite request for change which includes your ideas about how to approach the problem.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Words appear on the screen:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Speaker\u2019s Role<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Identify the problem or concern<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Recognize and be able to describe your own feelings about the problem<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Formulate a polite request for change which includes your ideas about how to approach the problem<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] For the other parent who is hearing the first parent\u2019s concern, we have discussed the importance of the listener\u2019s role in communication.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] As listener, you must listen carefully to the speaker\u2019s point and acknowledge the speaker\u2019s feelings. And restate what you heard in order to clarify that you understood the message. Now let\u2019s rejoin the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Words appear on the screen:<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Listener\u2019s Role<\/span><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Listen carefully for the speaker\u2019s point<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Acknowledge the speaker\u2019s feelings<\/span><\/li>\n<li style=\"font-weight: 400;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Restate what you heard in order to clarify that you understood the message<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Welcome back. Everyone looks busy! [chuckles] We will continue this week with some further discussion of I-messages. And judging from what I see, some of you look ready for the task. I would like to give each couple an opportunity to work with the group support on your I-messages. Donovan and Tamiko, as you recall from last time, Tamiko had made a request of Donovan. He was to work on a response. He has some options: (1) he could agree, (2) disagree, and come up with his own polite request, or (3) could ask for some more time to think about it. So\u2026let\u2019s start with Donovan and Tamiko.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group sitting at the table. John gestures to Donovan and Tamiko.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Well, I didn\u2019t agree with Tamiko\u2019s proposal. Um\u2026daily emails with Tamiko about Callie just didn\u2019t cut it. [sighs] But I understood that the texting was not getting me where I wanted. The problem for me as a few of you mentioned last week is that I\u2019ve been a real part of Callie\u2019s life. You know\u2026taking her out by myself, taking her to the doctor when she was sick. I know what she likes to eat, and uh, I know what stores she likes to hear before bedtime. I could put her down for a nap just as well as Tamiko and, and\u2026even better than her parents!<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan talks to the group. Donovan gestures angrily.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Excuse me, Donovan. Before we go any further, I am going to call a time out and ask you to lean back in our chair. Take a deep breath and just read your statement.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John talks to Donovan and addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] I know you have strong feelings about this issue, but I would like you to remember that much of your message will be communicated through non-verbal communication. And, just as a reminder, last time we discussed keeping your voice low and avoiding gestures which could be perceived as intimidating for the other parent. And it\u2019s also a good idea to keep your message short and simple. So let\u2019s have you try again. Sit back\u2026breath deep. Keep your message short and simple. Make good eye contact and avoid distracting gestures.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John gestures towards Donovan, and talks to him.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Anyways, what I came up with as the problem is that my role in Callie\u2019s life has been greatly reduced. Callie has lost an important connection with me, her father. I feel very concerned about this, as I know how it feels to be without a dad. If it is true that Callie feels sad misses me, then I would like to set up a schedule where Callie is spending half the week with me. I would be willing to resume visits for short periods of time to start with, just to make sure it all geos smoothly for all of us. I would be willing to start the visits by meeting at the park on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday at a time convenient for you. Is this acceptable for you.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan reads from a paper in front of him.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Tamiko, since we talked last time about active listening, I would like to ask you to practice responding to Donovan by starting with \u201cwhat I heard you say is\u2026\u201d And then you can agree, disagree, and make a counterproposal or ask for more time to think about it.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John talks to Tamiko.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] Well\u2026[sigh] Okay, let\u2019s see\u2026.What I heard you say is that you\u2019re worried that Callie will suffer if she doesn\u2019t have time with you and that you\u2019re willing to start off seeing her several time a week, even though really you want to have her half the week. And\u2026[sigh] I have to say, I agree. I mean, with the visits several times a week. [Sigh] Callie had her second visit with Donovan last Saturday and\u2026it\u2019s very clear to me that this is the best thing for her. She talked all the way home saying, \u201cDada pushed on the swing,\u201d and \u201cDada bought me ice-cream,\u201d and \u201cDada, whatever, whatever.\u201d [smiling] When I tucked her in that night, she kept saying, \u201cWhen can Dada read the story?\u201d That used to be their little ritual at night. We do need to get our routine plan set up but I think, for now, that three days per week is fine.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko talks to the group. She looks at Donovan.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko smiles when talking about her daughter.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] This might not be the time or place for it [clears throat], but all the texting. It was hard for me to face the idea that I might be losing Tamiko and Callie. And I guess, through the weeks coming here, and thinking about everything that\u2019s been going on, I\u2019m not losing Callie after all.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan looks at Tamiko and starts speaking.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Great job, guys.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses Tamiko and Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Ana] In this moment, Donovan realizes that the relationship with Tamiko as his girlfriend has ended. But the significant relationship that he has with Callie as his daughter will go on. But what about those of you who did not have a relationship like Tamiko and Donovan\u2019s? Maybe you had less contact with the other parent, less shared history, and less trust. Building a co-parenting relationship depends on building a sense of trust and mutual respect. One way that\u2019s helped me develop trust in my son\u2019s father was to remember the positive qualities that attracted me to him when we first met. As I thought about those qualities, I realized that my son had inherited some of those same qualities. As a final exercise, the couples in the group were asked to identify three strengths in the other parent. Let\u2019s see how they responded.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Would anyone else like to share your co-parent\u2019s strengths or a little bit about how your child reacted when you mentioned something positive about your co-parent?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks the group a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] Well, what attracted me to Tamiko back in high school was how smart she was. And she always seemed so kind and patient. And during the time when I wasn\u2019t seeing Callie, I think I forgot about these qualities. The other day, Callie made it easy for me when said, \u201cMommy very smart.\u201d [laughs] And I just agreed. [Tamiko laughs]<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan raises his hand. Looking at Tamiko and smiles, Donovan speaks.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] And Callie, what was her reaction, you know, when you agreed?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks a question to Donovan.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Donovan] [laughs] She said, \u201cDaddy is smart too.\u201d [Tamiko and Donovan laugh] And then she patted me on the knee. [all laughing] and then I said, \u201cCallie is smart too.\u201d And she gave me a big hug. It was cool. But yeah, Tamiko\u2019s always been the brain.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Donovan smiles and responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] So Callie recognizes that she has two smart parents and, Donovan, you helped make the bridge so that Callie knows that she that quality in common with both of you. You didn\u2019t even know how smart you are. [all laughing] Okay, anyone else? Tamiko? Patty? Roberto? We still have time for a couple more<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John smiles and talks to Donovan.\u00a0<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] Well, I wrote here that Roberto is good in sports, knows how to enjoy life, and is a loving father.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty reads from a paper and looks towards Roberto.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Roberto] Well, I appreciate hearing Patty finding some positive things to talk to me. We usually don\u2019t see eye to eye in the handling of the issues for Joaquin. Um, but I\u2019ve always appreciated you as the role model to his education. The way you went back to school and got your degree. I tell him that often.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Roberto responds, looking at Patty.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] Thanks.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Have you have time to mention one of Roberto\u2019s positive qualities to Joaquin?<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John asks Patty a question.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Patty] Um\u2026not yet. I haven\u2019t, no. But I will. I\u2019m sure there are many things that Joaquin appreciates about his dad.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Patty responds.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[Tamiko] But it\u2019s not the same as you saying something positive, Patty. [sighs] I found that with Callie as little as she is, she could sense that it wasn\u2019t okay at my house to talk about her dad. When I did the exercise and commented out loud to Callie in front of my parents that Donovan gives great hugs. She had this scared look on her face like she was expecting a bomb to go out. [laughs] Since\u2026since I had already had a talk with my parents about how well the visits are going and now they understand that Donovan and I are working this out ourselves, they have really taken a back seat. They told Callie how happy they are that her dad gives good hugs. She just smiled and said, \u201cYou mean Nana and Pappy not mad at Daddy?\u201d [laughs] My mom said something like, \u201cWe all love you, Callie.\u201d<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tamiko turns toward Patty, who is sitting next to her, and speaks. Tamiko turns towards to the group and continues.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[John] Thank you, Tamiko, for sharing your experiences with Patty and the group. It\u2019s remarkable how children as young as Callie and younger can pick up on the tension in the family even if nothing overtly negative is said about the other parent. Sometimes jus the absence of talk says that it\u2019s not safe to mention the other parent. That\u2019s why we encourage you to mention your co-parent to your child from time to time in a positive way. And it could also help to have pictures in your home, which includes the other parent. Simply being open and receptive when you child wants to tell you something fun that happened at the other parent\u2019s home is another way to show your child that you value this relationship with the other parent.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">John addresses the group.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">[piano music] Thank you for joining me in watching Tamiko and Donovan\u2019s story as told through their interactions in this group for parents in conflict. By participating in this program, they both learned to take responsibility for how they communicate with each other, and they learned to put into practice new communication tools. Putting Callie\u2019s feelings and needs first helped them see that they are both invaluable parts of Callie\u2019s upbringing. If you are experiencing issues like these, I hope that you\u2019ll remember some of these important lessons that will benefit both you and your child.<\/span><\/td>\n<td><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ana speaks to us directly in the same waiting room area as before.<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/div><\/div><style type=\"text\/css\">.fusion-body .fusion-builder-column-0{width:100% !important;margin-top : 0px;margin-bottom : 20px;}.fusion-builder-column-0 > .fusion-column-wrapper {padding-top : 0px !important;padding-right : 0px !important;margin-right : 1.92%;padding-bottom : 0px !important;padding-left : 0px !important;margin-left : 1.92%;}@media only screen and (max-width:1024px) {.fusion-body .fusion-builder-column-0{width:100% !important;order : 0;}.fusion-builder-column-0 > .fusion-column-wrapper {margin-right : 1.92%;margin-left : 1.92%;}}@media only screen and (max-width:640px) {.fusion-body .fusion-builder-column-0{width:100% !important;order : 0;}.fusion-builder-column-0 > .fusion-column-wrapper {margin-right : 1.92%;margin-left : 1.92%;}}<\/style><\/div><div class=\"fusion-layout-column fusion_builder_column fusion-builder-column-1 fusion_builder_column_1_5 1_5 fusion-flex-column\"><div class=\"fusion-column-wrapper fusion-flex-justify-content-flex-start fusion-content-layout-column\" style=\"background-position:left top;background-repeat:no-repeat;-webkit-background-size:cover;-moz-background-size:cover;-o-background-size:cover;background-size:cover;padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px;\"><\/div><style type=\"text\/css\">.fusion-body .fusion-builder-column-1{width:20% !important;margin-top : 0px;margin-bottom : 20px;}.fusion-builder-column-1 > .fusion-column-wrapper {padding-top : 0px !important;padding-right : 0px !important;margin-right : 9.6%;padding-bottom : 0px !important;padding-left : 0px !important;margin-left : 9.6%;}@media only screen and (max-width:1024px) {.fusion-body .fusion-builder-column-1{width:100% !important;order : 0;}.fusion-builder-column-1 > .fusion-column-wrapper {margin-right : 1.92%;margin-left : 1.92%;}}@media only screen and (max-width:640px) {.fusion-body .fusion-builder-column-1{width:100% !important;order : 0;}.fusion-builder-column-1 > .fusion-column-wrapper {margin-right : 1.92%;margin-left : 1.92%;}}<\/style><\/div><\/div><style type=\"text\/css\">.fusion-body .fusion-flex-container.fusion-builder-row-1{ padding-top : 0px;margin-top : 0px;padding-right : 8%;padding-bottom : 0px;margin-bottom : 0px;padding-left : 8%;}<\/style><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-57800","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/57800","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=57800"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/57800\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":58303,"href":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/57800\/revisions\/58303"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.survivorjusticecenter.org\/es\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=57800"}],"curies":[{"name":"gracias","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}